I Will Rise

Two years ago today, one of the most wonderful people in my life passed away. I had never lost anyone close to me until this day and it is a day that is still very much fresh in my mind...

Will and I moved to Texas July of '07 and we found out that September that my Grandaddy had lung cancer. I tried to be so positive but statistically lung cancer is terminal. My Grandaddy was determined to beat the odds though and fought long and hard until he could not fight any longer. The cancer eventually spread to his brain as well as other parts of his body and it was more than he could overcome. With us living 1000 miles away, it was so hard. Some my say it was easier because I didn't have to witness the confusion set in, the weight gain from the steroids, the days of him sleeping constantly, and all the doctors visits yet for me, I wasn't there. I missed out on the last years of his life. And most importantly to me, I wasn't there when he took his last breath. I truly don't know that I will ever forgive myself for this. The couple weeks before he passed away, we thought it may be getting close but you never can know with these things and I was working full-time so I battled back and forth with going on to TN but decided not to and then it was too late. He made me feel like I was the most wonderful person and I know how much he loved me and I was not there for him in that moment. I thought as time went by that I would feel as if I did the right thing, the only thing I knew to do at that time, and yet I do not....I do remember the last time I saw my Grandaddy very vividly. Will's Grandmother had passed away the January before Grandaddy did so we were in TN for the funeral. Grandma and Grandaddy came and he was all dressed up in his navy sports coat with gold buttons, his red tie, and khaki dress slacks. And not matter how horrible he felt, he always had a smile on his face. I can still see it :). When he was leaving the church that night (and we were headed back to TX the next morning), there was just something that I think both of us felt when we said goodbye. We both knew that would be the last time we saw each other. Selfishly, I'm glad that is the last image I have of him and not him taking his last breath in such agony but more than anything, I wish I could go back and been there by his side.

There are many days, that I question why he was taken so soon, why my Grandma is now alone, why he never got to meet my precious baby girl. But I can rejoice in the fact that he is in heaven, praising Jesus and free of all his pain. And one day, I will see him again. There is a song by Chris Tomlin, 'I Will Rise,' that brings me such comfort when I think about Grandaddy and where he is today...

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise